16 things I am thankful for after the death of our daughter

On the afternoon of October 26th a little past 7pm, my daughter of 16 days passed away and my whole world changed forever. It has been almost two months since her death and not a day goes by that I don't think of her. It is a crazy thing to say I am thankful for anything after such a horrible tragedy, but God has shown my family and me the importance of gratitude when everything is caving in around you. Here are 16 things(in no particular order) I am thankful for since the death of our daughter Chiara. I am not a writer, just warning you. My wife usually edits my work but this one was on my own....here it goes.

16) A Softened Heart

• Our daughter did a number on me as a man. I remember shortly after Chiara's birth posting a picture of her and one of our friends commenting that she already had me wrapped around her finger. I denied it at the time but looking back at the time I had with her she changed me for the better. She made my heart softened and for that I am thankful.....I mean look at those cheeks!
  

15) Family

• Our family is amazing. I told my wife that it is hard to imagine going through a tragedy without a faith and without family. Luckily we had both. They were there to cry, laugh, bring a meal, or just sit. We are indebted to them for a long time. 

14) The memories of our Daughter

• Although Chiara only lived 16 days we have a lot of memories, and for that I am so thankful. I will never forget her birth, or holding her for the first time, or seeing Dominic hold her for the first time or her sleeping on my chest, or the last time I ever held her. These memories will never leave me, these are the memories I cherish and am so thankful for. 
  

13) Doctors

• Doctors don't often get enough credit for the successes and far to much blame when something goes wrong. From the great doctor who delivered our sweet Chiara, to her amazing Pediatrician we were so blessed to have phenomenal people care for our daughter. I received numerous heartfelt calls from doctors in the days following her death. I am so thankful that we are in good hands. 

12) Crying

• I am ashamed to say that I spent many years holding in my tears not crying. I had some false sense that tears were a sign of weakness in a man. Following Chiara's death the tears flowed and a lot of other very strong men I know cried with me, and for my family. Chiara taught me that crying is ok for men.....she only lived 16 days and she softened me so much!

11) A Final Reflection

• In talking with Fr. Edwin about Chiara's funeral we kept on discussing the idea of someone sharing a few words. I was in prayer when I started writing down a few thoughts about Chiara's life. By the end of my prayer time I realized the thoughts I just wrote down were the words I was supposed to share at her funeral. After that prayer time I spoke with Father Edwin and he approved of me speaking. In preparing to share a few thoughts about my daughter I couldn't ever get through my speech with out breaking down and I have not read or looked at that speech since because I immediately loose it, but that day Chiara was interceding for me hugely! It was the only time I made it through those words without breaking down and I am so thankful that she helped me give some people hope in a time of pain. If you want to read the words I spoke click here. 

10) Support

• You never really think about how many costs are associated with a tragedy, but you start to realize it very quickly. Medical bills, funeral costs, etc. The day after she died I received a text message from one of our friends saying that they were setting up a memorial fund for us to help with costs. My wife and I thought this was a very nice gesture, but little did we know, that fund would explode with donations in the days following. We are so humbled by all the donations. As a youth minister you spend most of your time giving and never really knowing if people are impacted by what you do. This showed us in a tangible way that a lot of people care about us. We are so thankful, God truly does provide. 

9) My Wife

• On July 16th, 2011 I vowed my life to Nicole Traylor. On that day we both vowed to be there for one another "for better, for worse." This was definitely the worst thing that has ever happened in our married life and I got through it because of her. She is my biggest advocate, an amazing mother, and she makes me into a better man. I am thankful for my wife in so many ways. Thank goodness our daughter has a mom like you! 
  

8) The Rosary

• The rosary was one of the only ways I could pray following Chiara's death. I remember clutching my rosary at the hospital where Chiara was born and also clutching it at the hospital after Chiara had just died. The repetitious prayer helped me get through a time when I had no words. Thanks mama!  
  

7) Community

• The community we live in rallied around our family like no community I have ever been around. My wife and I's family are both far away in distance so we really relied on our extended community and they came through for us is an unreal way. From meal trains, to prayers, to toys for Dominic this community helped us and picked us up when we were at our lowest.

6) Our Son Dominic

• Needless to say we are thankful for our son Dominic. He is adorable, fun, and crazy! He runs around the house, the yard, and preschool non stop. HE IS ALL BOY! Dominic did something for us that he will never remember or know about. He was a distraction, and a very good one at that. In the weeks following Chiara's death he gave the best hugs and kisses. He came up to your face and would say in his Dom voice "hi" then walk away. He gave my wife and I comfort when no one else could. Our two year old son took care of his parents and for that I am thankful.
  
  
  

5) A Packed Church

• I was so scared that no one would show up to the Church for Chiara's funeral. I knew that was a lie, but I was still terrified. I remember sitting in this waiting room at the Church. They hide you in a room so people don't stop you before the funeral Mass starts. I remember the funeral director walking in with Fr. Edwin and telling us it was time. I walked holding Nikki's hand  and starred straight down at the floor. I didn't want to see if people were there or not. I actually did not see how many people showed up until I gave some final words after Mass ended. I remember looking up for the first time when I stepped up to the mic and saw a packed Church. I saw teens, parents, friends, family, and they were all there to celebrate the life of my baby girl. They will never know how much that meant to my wife and I. Thanks for celebrating with us!

4) The Vocation of Priesthood

• Never before have I been so thankful for the vocation of the priesthood. My wife rode in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, while I followed in the car. Longest 10 minute drive of my life. I DO NOT condone ever texting and driving but something in my heart said text a priest as I drove. I texted my good friend and soon to be Godfather of my daughter Fr. Edwin Leonard. Little did I know that he was giving a talk to a bunch of teens at a youth group night, fortunate for me, Fr. Edwin got my message and sent another one of our friends Fr. Zach. Shortly after they pronounced our daughter dead Fr. Zach came, soon there after Fr. Edwin arrived and those two priests got us threw the hardest hours of our lives. Fr. Edwin, Fr. Zach, and countless other priests walked with us through the journey of life to death. They all help us prepare our daughter for her final resting place, and helped console us along the way. We are so thankful for these men and how they live out their vocation. 

3) The Name Chiara

• We hadn't decided on a name until the last trimester of the pregnancy. Since we didn't know the gender of the baby we finally picked out the name Chiara for a girl, and Maccabee for a boy. The name Chiara is Italian for Clare. My wife and I have a love for St. Francis and St. Clare since we both went to Franciscan University in Steubenville Ohio, which helped form us into the people we are today (any seniors in high school out there should apply). The name Chiara means to "bring light" and that little girl brought so much light into our lives and many others. So thankful that we choose a name so fitting for our baby girl. 

2) Baptism

• Nikki and I were in the waiting room where every minute seemed like an hour. The nurse came in and explained that they were still performing CPR and that things didn't look good. Nikki and I asked to see our girl so that we could Baptize her before the stopped CPR. There has been plenty of times in my life that I have taken the Sacraments for granted, but in this moment the Lord gave me immense gratitude for the Sacrament of Baptism. The nurses made room for Nikki and I, and we baptized our Chiara. Minutes later she was pronounced dead. looking back at that moment I can only thank God for placing the thought on my mind to Baptize her. Thank you for that gift Lord, and washing away the stain of original sin. 

1) The Scriptures

• I remember waiting in the hospital emergency room while they were administering CPR to Chiara. I remember holding my wife as we both wept and waited for more news. In that moment God reminded me of the Bible verse from the book of Job chapter 1, verse 21 which says, "The Lord gives, the Lord takes, blessed be the name of the Lord." My wife and I clung to this verse. I think of this verse often and we even had it put on Chiara's grave marker. Being a youth minister it is easy to speak about the Lord when things are going well. I speak to hundreds of teens every Sunday about the love of Christ, and I knew my wife and I had a choice in this tragedy. We could either turn away from God or turn to him. I pray when you go through a tragedy that you cling to the Lord. "The Lord gives, the Lord takes, blessed be the name of the Lord." I am so thankful for the Scriptures and how they comfort us in our moments of need.
  

MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM!!!!!

      I love my son Dominic, I really do but you all need to know something about him, he is crazy! Yes, I know all boys are crazy at a young age, but I can't explain to you the amount of energy that he has on a daily basis. If you question how much energy he has just ask my wife(39 weeks pregnant) how exhausting it is to watch him run in circles all day.

      When I get home from work he is usually in the middle of a lap around the house. Now, I have to admit something, when we were kids I remember when my dad would come home from work and we would drop our toys and go running to him with reckless abandon. So naturally I expect this from my son. Dominic does coming running to me when I get home, the bad part is that as he is running to me, and in his loudest voice he is yelling, "MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM." I just shake my head and say no Im dad, say dad, Dominic.....which he replies, "MOM!" I tried to make myself feel better by sharing this with a friend. I said, "your child gets you and your wife confused right?" He laughed and replied, "nope." So why do I share this small part of my day, because I think it has something to do with Mary and the rosary. Let me explain.

      October is the month of the rosary and Mary the Mother of God has brought me so close to God throughout my life. In a small way my son reminded me of this. When my son yells "MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM" I pick him up and bring him over to his mom, who says you remember this is dad, then my son is able to recognize me. The same is true with Mary, she always brings us to the Father. She shows us his face when we have forgotten and cant remember it. October is the month of the rosary, try saying one, and seeing how it brings you back to the father. And while you are praying, offer up a prayer for my wife and me as we prepare for the birth of our second child!

First Born Son

We hear the Bible Verse John 3:16 all the time! I remember first seeing it on the TV watching a baseball game when I was 7 years old, and I remember thinking to myself, I guess that is important if someone took the time to place it on a huge sign. It turns out that verse is important, very important and I think I took it for granted until just this past weekend.

As most of you know I have a dashing, handsome 11 moth old son named Dominic. Just like any baby, Dominic has had his ups and downs throughout his eleven months of life. Then this past weekend happened. Dominic got really sick. It was his first real sickness, and I have never been so scared in my life. It started late Friday night when he woke up during the night and his body felt a little warm. We took his temperature and it was 102! I was freaking out. He settled down that night but the next day was a roller coaster of his fever going up and down. Saturday night was the worse when Dominic got the chills and couldn't sleep because of them. I was holding this shivering 11 month old baby in my arms not being able to do anything except pray. The next day Dominic's fever broke and we were extremely relieved.

It wasn't till my personal prayer the few days after that I realized how much our God did for us. Dominic is eleven months old, can't talk or take care of himself and it was truly tormenting me that I could do nothing but watch him suffer. Never in my life have I felt so connected to the Bible verse John 3:16. It turned out that my son was ok and recovered, but the Father's Son didn't get a pass. He walked the path to Mt Calvary, carrying a cross he did not merit, and dying for us, all while His Father watched.
I pray that we may come to realize the extent that God loves us, that He would give His only Son to die for me, for you, for us! Take some time today reflecting upon the Father's overwhelming love, I know I will.

The Lie of the Child Free Life

Time magazine recently ran an article entitled "The Child Free Life: When having it all means not having children." There are several things that I could rant about with this article but I will hold back....some.

The article talks about the idea of having it all is not having children. That there are couples out there who find their life much more fulfilling without having children. I have lived the single life and also the married with children life and I can say hands down, 100 percent that I have never been more fulfilled in life than when I am with my wife and son. In no way am I saying that women who cannot conceive, who do not get married, or choose another vocation( ie religious life..etc) are any less of a woman than ones who can bear a child. But it is how a woman's body is made- to carry another person, to give life, to have children.

We live in a culture which is focused on "I" so much. "I want...""I need..." "I deserve..." Not a culture of "I'll give..." "Do I really need that?" "I'll sacrifice..." The reality for me is that if I gave into every want in my life I would be leading a pretty boring life. I think sometimes we (myself included) get overwhelmed by the idea of children because of the enormous responsibility that comes with them. We can be overcome with the responsibilities and fears that come with children or we can live in the truth that this other human being is helping me be holy! I get to look into the eyes of my son and see my Maker and that is a truly humbling gift I do not deserve.

To close I share with you the words of comedian Jim Gaffigan who says it better than any of us. 

"I watch the faces of single people in their twenties after I bring up that I ‘have children.’ I imagine them taking a small step backward as if to avoid contagion, with a look of ‘Sorry to hear that’ on their face. Like I naively volunteered to contract leprosy, forever quarantining myself from the world of having fun by having children.  Well, why not? I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life. I believe each of my five children has made me a better man. So I figure I only need another thirty-four kids to be a pretty decent guy. Each one of them has been a pump of light into my shriveled black heart. I would trade money, sleep, or hair for a smile from one of my children in a heartbeat. Well, it depends on how much hair."

Clap, Clap, Clap Your Hands

My wife and I have a son named Dominic who recently turned 9 months old on Tuesday. Dominic is an amazing child and all credit goes to his mother. Dominic has been crawling, eating solid foods, and pulling up on everything. Although, the greatest trick he learned recently has been how to clap. My wife has been determined to teach him how to clap. So she came up with a jingle of her own "clap, clap, clap your hands, clap your hands to the beat." Over and over and over we sang this jingle and moved his hands back and forth showing him how to clap. We were desperately hoping that he would understand and start clapping, and to our great surprise two days ago he started clapping. We were elated and so excited! We couldn't contain our excitement. Like any good parent we made him clap over and over and over until he became tired of it.

I know what you are thinking, where is this going Joey?  Let me tell you. My son's clapping is like the spiritual life. Say what? Yup I realized driving to work this morning that my son learning to clap is probably similar to what God does with us! He shows himself to us again and again, yet we don't really get it. He taught us how to pray and yet we don't always do it. But just like one day it clicked for my son with clapping, I see it time and time again in youth ministry that the spiritual life will click with one person. Then they can't contain themselves and continue to use these skills.

Hopefully this ending story makes you chuckle. Last night my son woke up at 4am crying because of teething, tired, etc. I was rocking him in the chair in the living room and he was not having it! All of a sudden he rolled over on his back, looked at me in the face, and starting clapping and smiling. Hopefully we allow God to show us the way in our life, and have the same zeal my child had this morning at 4am! Allow God through prayer time, sacraments, and christian fellowship to show us the way for our lives. And pray for my 4am zealous child!

The Elect

I am not always the most optimistic of people in life. I often times find the glass half empty instead of half full, but recently I experienced an event where my glass and the glass of those around me was overflowing.

I have the amazing opportunity to journey to the Easter Vigil with a young man who has not yet been baptized. This month in the Diocese of Dallas was the "Right of Election" a time that catechumens(non baptized) are acknowledged before their own Church and later that day in front of Bishop for their preparation towards entering the Church. 

What an experience it was to be next to this young man when he stood before the Bishop at the Cathedral. He was beaming with excitement and joy throughout the entire process. I often take being baptized as a baby for granted. Most things I grew up with in the Church are foreign to these Catechumens. It makes me sit back and reflect upon the gift of faith. It makes me love my faith even more. 

Although the journey for this young man who was elected into the Church on Sunday has just begun, we pray that the good work that began in him and the good work that is happening in us continues in all our lives. For now we keep on waiting with joyful expectation as we journey through the desert with Christ, towards the light of the Resurrection at Easter. 

What Is Lent Really About?

I love my job as a youth minister! I especially love the insights that teens give me on different subjects because teenagers are so real and don't hold back anything or any thought! I recently had a conversation with some teens about Lent and what it really means.

While talking about Lent, one teen commented and said, "Well I guess it is that time of year for me to give up my chocolate." This comment caught me off guard at first. I thought to myself surely these teens don't think that Lent is simply about giving up chocolate! 

The more I talked with other teens the more I realized, that is exactly what they think Lent is about. All of them talked about how Lent is the time where you give up things that you like to eat or do, but didn't know anything about the season.

Thank goodness for the Church which tells us what Lent is truly about. Prayer, Fasting, and Almsgiving. 

Prayer- 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says, "pray without ceasing." We see Jesus in the Gospel praying all the time. He would go to a remote place and pray. We see in Jesus a man who was praying so intently before he was going to give us his life for all us that he sweat blood! This inspires me this Lent to step up my prayer. Lent is about spending more time in prayer centering ourselves on Christ and surrendering our lives to him. If you don't have a regular prayer life take this Lent to start one. I recently did a P90X workout, which helps you to strengthen your body. 

This Lent I encourage to do P40X(Prayer for 40 days). Strengthen your spiritual lives. Maybe you dont know where to start? Start by setting aside a time each day to pray. Read Scripture, journal, pray the Rosary, go to Mass, or spend time in silence. The important thing, in the words of Nike, is to "Just Do It," - go out and pray.

Fasting- We take our lead once again from Christ. He entered into the desert for 40 days and fasted. Fasting not only helps us become more self disciplined, but also gives us self control. Fasting is always a tough thing for us, but isn't it so comforting that around the world on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday in Lent I am joined by over 1 billion other Catholics fasting! Image if we all take this opportunity to allow this fasting to strengthen us and help us build our spiritual lives. The same is true from abstaining from meats on Friday. Lets take the opportunity to let these things transform us for the better. So there is nothing bad about giving up chocolate, just make sure that this is something that is going to draw you closer to Christ and not some mindless choice you do every year. 

Almsgiving- I believe we forget about this aspect of Lent the most! I know the last thing that you want to hear is that you have to give more money out of your pocket! Well there is good news and bad news here. Yes, we do need to give financially to the Church, it is one of the precepts of the Church, (if you dont know the 5 precepts, stop and look them up now!) but we can also give in our time that we can donate to the Church. As my mom always says, "there is one thing that we can't get back in life and that is our time." The great news is that if there is one place that I would love to spend my time it is for the Church. Another great thing to do during Lent is to donate your skills to the Church. The Church is always in need of help so if you have a skill set offer it to the Church!

The great thing about these three aspects of Lent is that these things do not have to stop at the end of Lent. This is a way we can live and unite our lives to Christ every day. Now go be holy. Happy Lent!